When Inner Bonding clients describe situations where they have made someone else responsible for their worth, their specialness, their lovability, etc., I often suggest that this is the same as if your real child came up to you and said “Mommy (or Daddy) am I lovable?” And you responded, “I don’t know. Let me ask the neighbor. “ Clearly, this would be absolutely devastating for a real child, and it is just as devastating for your inner child. A term for to this kind of inner abandonment is “giving your child away” and feeling how painful this is can be (and was for me) a watershed event in truly taking responsibility for our inner child’s needs.
Recently, however, I was doing an Inner Bonding session with a client who described just such a situation. She was at an event where a woman who had been her dance teacher was also present. There was a long history of her giving the job of making her little girl feel special to others, and this dance teacher was one of them. More than that, this dance teacher had been totally inconsistent in her responses. My client was miserably aware, during this event, that the old pattern had reappeared and completely aware of how awful this felt to her little girl. But, this time, instead of my usual approach of trying to stop the behavior of giving her little girl away, I was given a new approach.
I suggested that there was absolutely nothing “wrong” with the desire to give her little girl to someone else to make her feel special – that the problem was actually her choice of recipient. I asked her to remind me of the name of her spirit guide. “Ben,” she said. “Okay,” I replied, “how would your little girl feel if you gave her to Ben instead of to your dance teacher?” “She would LOVE it!!” She loves to be with Ben. She trusts him completely.” “Does she feel special now?” “Of course!” My client was overjoyed!
“Let’s try this in a real situation,” I suggested. “Let’s go back to that scene with your former teacher and see how it would go if you brought Ben along.” “Oh, it would be completely different,” she said. “Wow, so when I don’t know how to make my little girl feel special, I can ask Ben for help, and then the two of us can give her what she needs.” “Yes,” I replied, “anytime.”
So maybe this will give you another tool in your toolbox. If you notice the impulse to give your inner child away to someone else, to get love, to get safety, to get validation, to get anything and simply noticing that does not change anything, maybe, instead of struggling with it, you can go with it and use it as a doorway to connect to someone who can really help you, your spirit guides. I am guessing that your inner child will not mind this at all and I would love to know what happens when you try it.
My first response was a shiver and the thought that it isn’t EVER okay to give your child away. This is what I’ve learned and barely begun to practice as an Inner Bonding novice…but then I read further. I am intrigued by this idea and think I may have to try this one out…I always appreciate another coping tool…Thanks Phyllis!
Love the toolbox analogy I work with tools everyday and with the right tool anything is possible.
I like this…it doesn’t downplay the human desire for connection with others!